Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Meaning In Between

Lately, I can't help but wonder if I'm doing it all backwards.

Maybe it would have been better to do these smaller races (5Ks, 10Ks) after I had successfully completed my half-marathon. The half-marathon was my initial big goal, what pushed me headfirst into my journey to become a runner. Maybe if I had waited until I knew the thrill of successfully completing my half-marathon after all those months of hard work, it wouldn't matter so much where I place or how fast my time is in each of these 5Ks and 10Ks because I'd know what's really important. I needed these races for practice and I really enjoy racing them, but they mean different things to me than the bigger races and I think that training my attention on each of them is obfuscating my overall vision and inspiration for running in the first place.

It's a tough balance between wanting to do well and wanting to do well enough. Where is that fine line? They tell us it doesn't matter where you finish, as long as you went out there and ran. I want to believe that, but telling myself just isn't enough. If I don't perform as well as I know I'm capable of, how can I just not care? In my most recent 5Ks, I placed 17th and 13th in my age group, respectively. That's pretty darn good for a beginner. If, after even more training and growth, I went back and did another 5K and were to place 35th or 50th in my age group even though I tried my best, how could that not be disappointing? Once you see what you're capable of, how can you go back?

But doubt becomes exhausting, and as I chew on these questions and more in the days leading up to my first 10K, the questions in my mind have shifted in the other direction. What does it matter? What difference does it make? I mean, really. I'm just spinning my wheels when I obsess over times and placements and future races because, at the end of the day: I am where I am. That's it. I will train and I will try and whatever the result of that is, well: it is what it is.

Since I don't believe in vague platitudes as affirmation, let me try to explain better.  It's exhausting worrying about other people's times, or learning the times of people I know and thinking, "wow, that's really fast, I can never be that good," or, "I could do that, right? I really hope I can beat that." I am not those people, and I never will be. It would be great to be as fast as the faster runners I know...but if I'm not, I'm not. Some people have been running since they were in grade school. Some people just have more innate ability. I have what I have. It's natural to feel competitive with your contemporaries, and to feel a little jealous of people who are just better than you. But really, isn't it kind of stupid to measure and compare myself against a different person, with a different body, and a different life?

It would be great if I could be really fast, too. I would love it if one day I could run a marathon in under 4:00, or a half marathon in under 2:00, or get an age group medal in a 10K. What runner wouldn't? Maybe I will one day. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will just never be fast enough. And my biggest struggle as a runner is to get myself to a point where that's okay. I'll be honest, I'm still not there. I wonder if it's not actually harder work to get to that point mentally than it is to get my body fast enough to meet those goals.

And what if those things did happen? Then what? Well, I'd have a pretty medal. And some hella bragging rights. And I'd feel really good about myself. But in the end....it's really just one good race on one good day. No matter how good or bad you race, it's all over once you cross that finish line. Then everyone celebrates their accomplishment for a while, takes a moment to bask in euphoria or wallow in disappointment, and by the next day everyone has moved on with their lives.

I guess that's the hard thing about being an athlete or a performer. You pour all of your time and effort an energy into these big events, and in an instant, they're over. It's bittersweet for both winners and losers: if you did well, you can't make it last, if you did poorly, you can't get it back.

The running I do in between races has to mean something. It has to be worth it. There has to be a reason, beyond simply shaving a few minutes off an old race time, to lace up and hit the road. My journey to become a runner is centered around figuring out what that something "more" is. I know it's there, otherwise I would have quit already. For some people, it's because running builds strength in mind and body. For others, it's the satisfaction of watching yourself get better at something, of setting goals and achieving them, of going out and doing the one thing you didn't think you could do (like run a half marathon!!). And for some, it's simply because they enjoy running: they run for the runner's high, and the exercise, and the feeling of being healthy, and that's enough for them.

I think for me, my "something more" is a combination of all of those. I need to hone in on what exactly it is, because I need it. I need it to keep me in check when I start obsessing over beating old times and comparing myself to other runners. I need it so I remember how it felt to be a new runner, how happy I was just to be out there and setting goals for myself.

A quote in my "Run Pretty Far" calendar that I like. Like life, running is a journey and I want to make sure I do it right!



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

6.2 or Bust: Getting Mentally Ready for my 1st 10K

On February 2nd, not only will I run my first race of 2014, but also my first ever 10K! As I prepare to run 6.2 miles in competition, I'm feeling both energized and a little nervous.



I always think it's better to end on a positive note, so I'll talk about the "nervous" part first :-)

My long runs are up to 8 miles now (by race day, they should be up to 10). So, I CAN run 6.2 miles...but can I race it? I'm trying to be confident that I can, even if it seems daunting right now. I only recently passed the point where I can run 6.2, let alone up my pace during a run that long! I still have over two weeks before the race, and I have been starting to do more speed and tempo work in my training, so I'm hoping that I will be able to reach a good pace during that 10K, even if I can't sustain it the entire race.

Also, the dynamics of a 10K race are different. 5Ks were a lot less pressure, because twice as many people run the 5Ks in the Winter Run Series. Many people run/walk or jog the 5Ks and they attract many first-timers, so as long as I'm in good shape I'm pretty much guaranteed to finish at a comfortable place in the standings. 10Ks, however, usually only attract other runners such as myself. In the Winter Run Series, there are usually about 25-40ish people in my age group for the 10K. From looking at results I can see that all of them got pretty decent times. So, even if I run a great 10K and finish with a good time, it's still very possible I could be in last place. I know that shouldn't matter, but let's be honest - no one likes being in last place!

Now, on to the energizing part!

Despite all that I am nervous about, I'm excited to start running 10Ks. I guess after racing a few 5Ks, I'm just ready to take on a new challenge. I remember my first 5K in October, how exciting it was to be doing this for the first time and how I couldn't wait to just get out there and see what I was capable of. And now I get to feel that again! I have this sense of a "clean slate" - it's nice to have something new to think about, to write about, and to train for.

I think, in the end, my excitement outweighs my fears. Because at the end of the day, I really just love races and I can't wait to get back out there and take on another one!

I don't want a repeat of my last race, where I became obsessed with doing really well and forgot what it was all about. I'm trying to remind myself that even if I come in last place, that's not what this is about. I'm a new runner running her first 10K - what's important is getting this experience, having fun, and being proud of myself for taking on a new running challenge.




Thursday, January 2, 2014

Race Recap - Running into the New Year - literally!

How did you celebrate on New Year's Eve? I don't know about you, but part of my celebration was running a 5k! I loved the idea of this race from the minute I heard about it. A NYE 5k, how cool is that?!

Mustering a smile post-run

I have to admit that this race was a little disappointing.  I really wanted to beat my previous time of 28:22, and sadly, I was not able to do that.

Because of the weather, there were some last minute changes to the course, but it was still less than ideal. I appreciate the volunteers and staff of this event going out of their way and working harder to accommodate these conditions, and I understand there is only so much that could be done. Much of the course was pretty slippery, and the beginning was really narrow so there was some considerable bottleneck going into it. Because of the iffy roads and the freezing cold temperatures that day, a lot of people didn't show up and it seemed like morale was a little bit down. I know it was for me, because I was there by myself (Kevin had to work and couldn't come with me, and none of my friends were there). So I think that I and many others just wanted to run the race and get out of there.The festivity I imagined around this race just wasn't there.

Well, except maybe for these folks:



If the temperatures had been slightly more bearable and the roads/course not so affected by ice and snow, this event would have been a blast. And, I probably would have performed better.

I understand that these things aren't under my control. There is nothing I can do about the weather and the course conditions. Once it gets to that, I just have to do my best and be proud of myself for it.

I read a great article in Runner's World recently about bouncing back from disappointing races. The first step, they say, is to acknowledge what was and wasn't under your control. The weather wasn't under my control, but some factors were under my control.

Once the bottleneck at the beginning eased up, I overcompensated trying to make up the time lost from the slow start. That was a mistake. Before I even hit mile 1 I was worn out. My legs felt heavy and tired for every step of that race. For the first time ever, I wasn't enjoying a race, I just wanted it to be over. And then, the pinnacle of lack of preparation: my shoe came untied (really?? REALLY?!?).

Waiting to start the race...guess I should have been paying more attention to these laces!


Also, I think I had some unrealistic expectations going into this race. I really built this one 5K up in my mind and for some reason, it was uber-important to me to beat my previous time. This is my last 5K before I go on to bigger races (well, for the forseeable future anyway), and there's a chance I won't be as good or fast in longer distances, so I guess I wanted to get one last taste of victory before the hard stuff comes. I remember the thrill of my November 5K and how good it felt to beat my time, and I wanted that again. I actually trained harder for this one than the previous ones, and I didn't want all that to be for nothing. Or maybe it's just that it was the last day of the year and I wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.

It wasn't until my drive home that I realized I had become way too obsessed with this one race. I wanted to beat my old time so bad that I lost my perspective. This is just one race, it's not the be-all-end-all of everything. I had to remind myself that I have bigger goals - my halves and my full - and I need to remain focused on those. Those are what's really important, those are what I'm running for. I love small races and it's important to me to do well in them, but I need to remember to put things in perspective. Beating my goal 5K time and being higher up in the results than I expected are great feelings, but not as great as the feeling of crossing the finish line of my first half and then my first full marathon.

I also needed to put things in perspective to remind myself that just because I didn't live up to my expectations, doesn't mean I did that badly. I came in at 29:21, which is still a respectable time considering what we had to work with. I was 14th in my age group of 50 women. That's not bad at all! Hey, I'll drink a complimentary beer to that!

Since I had already taken 2 pictures in front of this thing, I was a little embarrassed to go back and ask another stranger to get a shot of me with my eyes open



"Linked together for hope": a world record attempt at 500 people running a 5K linked together! Don't think they reached 500 though :/

My next race (and 1st for 2014) is a 10K on February 2nd, one month from today. That's right, I'm movin' on up! A 10K will be much more challenging for me and I'm both nervous and excited to take it to the next level. Stay tuned!