Meaning In Between

Lately, I can't help but wonder if I'm doing it all backwards.

Maybe it would have been better to do these smaller races (5Ks, 10Ks) after I had successfully completed my half-marathon. The half-marathon was my initial big goal, what pushed me headfirst into my journey to become a runner. Maybe if I had waited until I knew the thrill of successfully completing my half-marathon after all those months of hard work, it wouldn't matter so much where I place or how fast my time is in each of these 5Ks and 10Ks because I'd know what's really important. I needed these races for practice and I really enjoy racing them, but they mean different things to me than the bigger races and I think that training my attention on each of them is obfuscating my overall vision and inspiration for running in the first place.

It's a tough balance between wanting to do well and wanting to do well enough. Where is that fine line? They tell us it doesn't matter where you finish, as long as you went out there and ran. I want to believe that, but telling myself just isn't enough. If I don't perform as well as I know I'm capable of, how can I just not care? In my most recent 5Ks, I placed 17th and 13th in my age group, respectively. That's pretty darn good for a beginner. If, after even more training and growth, I went back and did another 5K and were to place 35th or 50th in my age group even though I tried my best, how could that not be disappointing? Once you see what you're capable of, how can you go back?

But doubt becomes exhausting, and as I chew on these questions and more in the days leading up to my first 10K, the questions in my mind have shifted in the other direction. What does it matter? What difference does it make? I mean, really. I'm just spinning my wheels when I obsess over times and placements and future races because, at the end of the day: I am where I am. That's it. I will train and I will try and whatever the result of that is, well: it is what it is.

Since I don't believe in vague platitudes as affirmation, let me try to explain better.  It's exhausting worrying about other people's times, or learning the times of people I know and thinking, "wow, that's really fast, I can never be that good," or, "I could do that, right? I really hope I can beat that." I am not those people, and I never will be. It would be great to be as fast as the faster runners I know...but if I'm not, I'm not. Some people have been running since they were in grade school. Some people just have more innate ability. I have what I have. It's natural to feel competitive with your contemporaries, and to feel a little jealous of people who are just better than you. But really, isn't it kind of stupid to measure and compare myself against a different person, with a different body, and a different life?

It would be great if I could be really fast, too. I would love it if one day I could run a marathon in under 4:00, or a half marathon in under 2:00, or get an age group medal in a 10K. What runner wouldn't? Maybe I will one day. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will just never be fast enough. And my biggest struggle as a runner is to get myself to a point where that's okay. I'll be honest, I'm still not there. I wonder if it's not actually harder work to get to that point mentally than it is to get my body fast enough to meet those goals.

And what if those things did happen? Then what? Well, I'd have a pretty medal. And some hella bragging rights. And I'd feel really good about myself. But in the end....it's really just one good race on one good day. No matter how good or bad you race, it's all over once you cross that finish line. Then everyone celebrates their accomplishment for a while, takes a moment to bask in euphoria or wallow in disappointment, and by the next day everyone has moved on with their lives.

I guess that's the hard thing about being an athlete or a performer. You pour all of your time and effort an energy into these big events, and in an instant, they're over. It's bittersweet for both winners and losers: if you did well, you can't make it last, if you did poorly, you can't get it back.

The running I do in between races has to mean something. It has to be worth it. There has to be a reason, beyond simply shaving a few minutes off an old race time, to lace up and hit the road. My journey to become a runner is centered around figuring out what that something "more" is. I know it's there, otherwise I would have quit already. For some people, it's because running builds strength in mind and body. For others, it's the satisfaction of watching yourself get better at something, of setting goals and achieving them, of going out and doing the one thing you didn't think you could do (like run a half marathon!!). And for some, it's simply because they enjoy running: they run for the runner's high, and the exercise, and the feeling of being healthy, and that's enough for them.

I think for me, my "something more" is a combination of all of those. I need to hone in on what exactly it is, because I need it. I need it to keep me in check when I start obsessing over beating old times and comparing myself to other runners. I need it so I remember how it felt to be a new runner, how happy I was just to be out there and setting goals for myself.

A quote in my "Run Pretty Far" calendar that I like. Like life, running is a journey and I want to make sure I do it right!

6.2 or Bust: Getting Mentally Ready for my 1st 10K

On February 2nd, not only will I run my first race of 2014, but also my first ever 10K! As I prepare to run 6.2 miles in competition, I'm feeling both energized and a little nervous.

I always think it's better to end on a positive note, so I'll talk about the "nervous" part first :-)

My long runs are up to 8 miles now (by race day, they should be up to 10). So, I CAN run 6.2 miles...but can I race it? I'm trying to be confident that I can, even if it seems daunting right now. I only recently passed the point where I can run 6.2, let alone up my pace during a run that long! I still have over two weeks before the race, and I have been starting to do more speed and tempo work in my training, so I'm hoping that I will be able to reach a good pace during that 10K, even if I can't sustain it the entire race.

Also, the dynamics of a 10K race are different. 5Ks were a lot less pressure, because twice as many people run the 5Ks in the Winter Run Series. Many people run/walk or jog the 5Ks and they attract many first-timers, so as long as I'm in good shape I'm pretty much guaranteed to finish at a comfortable place in the standings. 10Ks, however, usually only attract other runners such as myself. In the Winter Run Series, there are usually about 25-40ish people in my age group for the 10K. From looking at results I can see that all of them got pretty decent times. So, even if I run a great 10K and finish with a good time, it's still very possible I could be in last place. I know that shouldn't matter, but let's be honest - no one likes being in last place!

Now, on to the energizing part!

Despite all that I am nervous about, I'm excited to start running 10Ks. I guess after racing a few 5Ks, I'm just ready to take on a new challenge. I remember my first 5K in October, how exciting it was to be doing this for the first time and how I couldn't wait to just get out there and see what I was capable of. And now I get to feel that again! I have this sense of a "clean slate" - it's nice to have something new to think about, to write about, and to train for.

I think, in the end, my excitement outweighs my fears. Because at the end of the day, I really just love races and I can't wait to get back out there and take on another one!

I don't want a repeat of my last race, where I became obsessed with doing really well and forgot what it was all about. I'm trying to remind myself that even if I come in last place, that's not what this is about. I'm a new runner running her first 10K - what's important is getting this experience, having fun, and being proud of myself for taking on a new running challenge.

Race Recap - Running into the New Year - literally!

How did you celebrate on New Year's Eve? I don't know about you, but part of my celebration was running a 5k! I loved the idea of this race from the minute I heard about it. A NYE 5k, how cool is that?!

Mustering a smile post-run

I have to admit that this race was a little disappointing.  I really wanted to beat my previous time of 28:22, and sadly, I was not able to do that.

Because of the weather, there were some last minute changes to the course, but it was still less than ideal. I appreciate the volunteers and staff of this event going out of their way and working harder to accommodate these conditions, and I understand there is only so much that could be done. Much of the course was pretty slippery, and the beginning was really narrow so there was some considerable bottleneck going into it. Because of the iffy roads and the freezing cold temperatures that day, a lot of people didn't show up and it seemed like morale was a little bit down. I know it was for me, because I was there by myself (Kevin had to work and couldn't come with me, and none of my friends were there). So I think that I and many others just wanted to run the race and get out of there.The festivity I imagined around this race just wasn't there.

Well, except maybe for these folks:

If the temperatures had been slightly more bearable and the roads/course not so affected by ice and snow, this event would have been a blast. And, I probably would have performed better.

I understand that these things aren't under my control. There is nothing I can do about the weather and the course conditions. Once it gets to that, I just have to do my best and be proud of myself for it.

I read a great article in Runner's World recently about bouncing back from disappointing races. The first step, they say, is to acknowledge what was and wasn't under your control. The weather wasn't under my control, but some factors were under my control.

Once the bottleneck at the beginning eased up, I overcompensated trying to make up the time lost from the slow start. That was a mistake. Before I even hit mile 1 I was worn out. My legs felt heavy and tired for every step of that race. For the first time ever, I wasn't enjoying a race, I just wanted it to be over. And then, the pinnacle of lack of preparation: my shoe came untied (really?? REALLY?!?).

Waiting to start the race...guess I should have been paying more attention to these laces!

Also, I think I had some unrealistic expectations going into this race. I really built this one 5K up in my mind and for some reason, it was uber-important to me to beat my previous time. This is my last 5K before I go on to bigger races (well, for the forseeable future anyway), and there's a chance I won't be as good or fast in longer distances, so I guess I wanted to get one last taste of victory before the hard stuff comes. I remember the thrill of my November 5K and how good it felt to beat my time, and I wanted that again. I actually trained harder for this one than the previous ones, and I didn't want all that to be for nothing. Or maybe it's just that it was the last day of the year and I wanted to go out in a blaze of glory.

It wasn't until my drive home that I realized I had become way too obsessed with this one race. I wanted to beat my old time so bad that I lost my perspective. This is just one race, it's not the be-all-end-all of everything. I had to remind myself that I have bigger goals - my halves and my full - and I need to remain focused on those. Those are what's really important, those are what I'm running for. I love small races and it's important to me to do well in them, but I need to remember to put things in perspective. Beating my goal 5K time and being higher up in the results than I expected are great feelings, but not as great as the feeling of crossing the finish line of my first half and then my first full marathon.

I also needed to put things in perspective to remind myself that just because I didn't live up to my expectations, doesn't mean I did that badly. I came in at 29:21, which is still a respectable time considering what we had to work with. I was 14th in my age group of 50 women. That's not bad at all! Hey, I'll drink a complimentary beer to that!

Since I had already taken 2 pictures in front of this thing, I was a little embarrassed to go back and ask another stranger to get a shot of me with my eyes open

"Linked together for hope": a world record attempt at 500 people running a 5K linked together! Don't think they reached 500 though :/

My next race (and 1st for 2014) is a 10K on February 2nd, one month from today. That's right, I'm movin' on up! A 10K will be much more challenging for me and I'm both nervous and excited to take it to the next level. Stay tuned!

Happy 6-month Runniversary to me!

January 1st marks not only the start of a new year, but also the 6 month anniversary of when I became a runner. I don't know the official date that I decided I really wanted to get into running, but July 1st was the date I signed up for the Color Run, which set in motion a string of new desires and goals culminating in the decision to train for a half marathon.

I am posting this a little early because I know that anything posted around January 1 would inevitably be lost in all of the hullabaloo of New Year's. Plus, I was just so excited to post it :-)

So, what's happened in the 6 months since I decided to become a runner?

1. Ran three 5ks since October, and saw my time increase from 29:38 to 27:22*
2. Went from being able to run less than a mile to being able to run 7 miles
3. Set my sights on a half-marathon by Spring of 2014 and a full marathon by Fall 2014

 *my last race of the year is on December 31, and this the goal time I am trying to achieve! It is exactly one minute better than my most recent time of 28:22.

I never imagined in June of this year that all of this would happen by the end of the year!



Of course, there is more to reflection than just the peaks and triumphs. Here's what I didn't do so well at and will need to work on in the next 6 months:

1. I am really disappointed in the lack of consistency in my training.
   It's something I have been able to get away with since my only races thus far have been 5ks and my half-marathon is so far away. But even with these smaller races, which all went very well, I can't help wonder how much better I could have done if I had stuck to my training schedule a little better. There were many skipped days, and a couple weeks where I skipped running altogether (bad Hanna, bad!). I try not to be too hard on myself, because I'm a new runner and I'm still learning, and it takes some time to adjust to a big lifestyle change. But with big things looming on the horizon, this lack of consistency is not acceptable anymore. In 6 months I would like to be able to look back and see that I quickly got my act together, started training more consistently, and only skipped training when I absolutely needed to. My New Year's Running Resolution is to switch to morning running, so hopefully this will be a tremendous help since little will interfere in the mornings.

With all that said, I think the best is yet to come! Here's what I what I hope to be able to say on my one year runniversary (knock on wood!):

1. Completed two 10K's, and increased my time on the second one  
2. Completed a 15K
3. Successfully completed my first half marathon on May 3, 2014!
4. ...and then, for fun, completed another one on June 14, 2014
5. Went from being able to run 7 miles to being able to run 13.1 miles
6. Successfully made the switch from evening runner to morning runner
7. Stuck to a training schedule that has me running at least 4 times a week

Here's to a great year of running through 2014. Runner friends, do you know what your "runniversary" is? :-)

And the marathon I'm running is.....

So, after much internal deliberation, I have decided which marathon I'm going to run in October 2014.

A couple weeks ago I posted about the three marathons I was considering: Denver, Chicago, and Lakefront (Milwaukee). I eliminated Denver pretty quickly. Then, I found out about the Twin Cities marathon in October (October 5), so my choice became Twin Cities, Chicago, and Lakefront.

I was really leaning towards Chicago until I found out about the high price (it's $100 more than Lakefront), and the insane demand (sold out in a matter of HOURS last year!). Around this same time I became really excited about the Twin Cities marathon. A little bit farther of a drive, but it's size (roughly 23,000) seemed to strike a perfect balance between the tiny Lakefront crowd (3,100) and the massive Chicago crowd (45,000). The online reviews for the TCM were glowing, too (although, to be fair, almost every marathon I've read reviews for mostly has very positive reviews). TCM would fulfill my desire to branch out and run somewhere new, and I would also have great crowd support and get to run in a big city.

So, my choice came down to Twin Cities Marathon, or Lakefront Marathon.

After a lot of thought, I have made my decision that on October 5, 2014 I am going to run the Lakefront Marathon here in Milwaukee.

I would run all three of them if I could because they all sound awesome, but this really came down to practical concerns. I weighed the pros of each marathon, and this is why I chose Lakefront:

1. Get to sleep in my own bed and don't have to travel
2. Low cost
3. More friends/coworkers around to celebrate with and cheer me on (in the Twin Cities I would only have one. I love ya Kate, but I'm sure you'd get sick of me hanging around)

These three things are what separate this marathon from the others. At the end of the day, as a first-time marathoner, these practical considerations won out over things like more crowd support and a more exciting course.

I'm sure I will miss the heightened excitement and camaraderie of the bigger city marathons. But, every decision has an opportunity cost. Hopefully, this is only my first of many marathons, and I will still get to experience TC, Chicago, and many other marathons in my future! I'm sure they will be even better when I can run them as a (slightly) more experience runner.

Registration opens for Lakefront in mid-January (I'm not gonna lie, the fact that their registration opens a month earlier than the others was a plus for me as well), and I'm counting down the days and ready to go! I can't wait for that feeling of being officially registered so the marathon can become real.

Until then, back to focusing on my other goals!

Thanks to all my runner friends for your continuing input and guidance :-) I hope you think I've made a good decision!

What are you willing to suffer for?

 This article (see below for link) has been making the rounds on my Facebook news feed. As with any opinion piece, there are solid grounds to agree with the author's POV or disagree with it. But for me, it resonated. And I don't think it would have resonated so well before I was a runner. Because that is immediately what I thought of, what I could relate to in this article.

The author asks us, "what pain are you willing to sustain?" In other words, the critical question in life isn't simply "what do I want?" but rather, "what do I want so much that I'm willing to love the struggle and pain necessary to achieve it?" It's easy for us to want anything and everything, but you can't achieve it without loving the blood, sweat, and tears that come with life's most prized successes. If you really want a lucrative and successful career, you have to love trudging through low-level jobs and putting in long weeks to work your way up to the top. If you really want a beautiful home, you have to love the endless search for the right house in the right location and giving up so much free time for renovations, repairs, and decorating. If you really want a great relationship, you have to love the emotional turmoil, multiple rejections and mixed signals that come with dating.

And if I really want to be a runner?

I have to love shelling out so much of my disposable income on winter running gear and race registrations.

I have to love that feeling about halfway through a run when it literally feels like I just cannot run another step and the energy it takes to push past that feeling (I believe they call this "running on the wall"?).

I have to love the frustration of a bad run and the disappointment of a bad race.

I have to love lining up for a race and instantly being surrounded by people who are naturally faster and much more experienced than I am - every single time.

I have to love the feeling that I ran faster and worked harder than ever before, yet still didn't reach my goal time, or when it feels like I ran a mile and I look down at the GPS to see I've only advanced about .4 miles. 

I have to love trying to squeeze in adequate training between a full-time job and volunteer/social engagements.

And I have to love that no matter how hard I work, how long I stick with it, and how good I get, there will always be someone better than me. There will be strangers who are better than me, there will be close friends who are better than me.

I have to love all this (and more) if I want the runner's high, the exhilaration of finishing a race and learning that I beat my previous time and trounced my expectations, the excitement of signing up for a race, the energy and camaraderie of race days.....and that incredible feeling when I finally have my very first half marathon medal hanging around my neck!

And I do. I do love all of this. I must, because otherwise I would have given up a long time ago. But it's been almost half a year and here I am - still running, still setting goals, still sticking with it. No one is holding my hand or forcing me to get out there, it's all on me, so clearly I must love the pain if I haven't given up yet.

I suggest everyone, runners and non-runners alike, check out the article. I'm sure it will resonate with you in some way if you've ever worked hard and sturggled for something you really want!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-manson/the-most-important-question_b_4269161.html

The Difference a Run Can Make

Yesterday, I did my weekly long run....after not having run for 7 whole days. Because it was snowing all day yesterday, I was tempted to skip yet another day too! But I pulled myself together and did that run anyway.

For a little perspective on how transformative a good run can be for one's mood and energy levels, I thought I'd write this as a "before" and "after" post. I jotted down some thoughts right before I left for my run, and I jotted down some thoughts when I came back. The difference is remarkable, and I learned a very important lesson in the aftermath.

BEFORE
I'm writing this before I go out to run. I'm all done up in my gear and ready to go. I have not run in 7 days now. All week I have felt sluggish, under the weather, and stressed. When I got home I just couldn't find it in me to do even the simplest runs. I feel terrible and I feel like I failed myself. My laziness won all week long. And no matter how bad I felt about not running, it wasn't enough to overcome my laziness. Today when I woke up and saw it was snowing I thought, great, now I can't go at all cause there is no way I can run in this. This weekend I have slept a lot, sat around the house doing nothing. I felt like doing that today. My legs feel restless due to lack of activity. I don't want to run but I don't want to do anything else either. I feel like a slug. I know it will make me feel better to run and I just kind of said to myself, screw it, I feel like crap anyway so what difference does it make that I'm going to get snowy and messy out there? I hate these days/weeks when I have absolutely no motivation to do the smallest things - do some dishes, throw some laundry in, go for a run. I hate these days when I'm so sick of sitting around doing nothing yet, I can't make myself do anything.

AFTER

My legs are hurting and numb, I am covered in cold wet snow. But I feel like a whole other person. It feels like I just took a metaphorical shower, like the run washed all the dirt and grime of my laziness off me and now I'm all fresh and clean. I feel like I left the house for a run and came back a different person - the lazy, lethargic girl seems years behind me. Ahhh, the runner's high. I have a fresh burst of positive and productive energy. And, most importantly - I beat it. That dark cloud that had been hanging over me all week, rumbling louder each day I put off running- it's gone now. I looked my laziness in the eye and kicked its butt and it felt great.

I realized something in all of this. I think about all the time I've spent lately pumping up for races and wondering what age group place I'll get and whether I can beat so-and-so's time, etc. And I realized that there are more important things than that. A real athlete knows that it's not about beating other people, it's about beating yourself. Not just your time or your personal achievements, but all those parts of you that work against you every day in your pursuit of becoming a better stronger runner: laziness, inertia, excuses. I need to be competitive with myself, with those parts of me, before I can be competitive with others. It's like that saying, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Well, a runner needs to challenge herself before she can challenge others.

With that in mind, no more skipping runs for entire weeks for no good reason! I promise to make this week much better. I have to - my next 5K is exactly three weeks away. I have three weeks to get myself in tip top shape to beat my last time of 28:22!!